I had a dream about Rory last night. I don't even remember what happened in it anymore. I do remember waking up this morning and thinking "Oh, man, I have to tell Rory about that one." Now it's starting to sink in.
I called Bri to tell him about it because I needed to. Then realized quickly I had to change the subject because my dumb ass called him from work and it turned south quick.
I'm emotionally dysfunctional. I have been as long as I can remember. I don't have much along the lines of feelings. I can definitely feel happy, which I do the majority of the time, and I am grateful for that. I can feel hurt, and certainly guilty (oh the Catholic upbringing.) But rarely do I feel sadness. I'm guessing it's more along the lines of the inability to recognize sadness. In the rare event that I do cry, I don't feel anything. There's nothing there but there are tears coming out of my eyes. I don't get it. I am for the most part rational, practical, and a realist. This doesn't help. I tend to think my way out of things instead of letting myself feel them. Psychology was always fun to take because any emotional test we took told me I was dysfunctional. Does this add to the dysfunctionality? Who knows? I don't even get angry. I just get annoyed. I remember being angry once. It resulted in a e-mail to Jon with my practically quitting my job. Yeah, that was anger, for sure. (Remember that Jon?)
My point...
I don't know how I feel about Rory. I haven't felt sad, but I cried at the funeral. I have felt angry, but I forgave him quickly. I almost cried on the phone to Bri today but I didn't feel sad, I simply wanted to tell him about my dream. It's beyond frustrating. Everyone's blogs have helped for sure but I think I relate the most to Shannon. My thought is he's very much at peace now. This was his choice and it certainly doesn't seem to have been made lightly. I'm all I can be at this point and that is happy for him.
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