Saturday, September 11, 2010
Only on the hard days... (Stacy - 1/21/09)
...when I feel alone in my grief or that I just want to connect with someone that knew all that you were I feel the softest nudge to come to this site. Always Always Always there is a new post. To all of you that post you should know how much you get me through.
Dear Friend,
Yesterday the world changed and I played a very very small role in making that happen. I really wish you were here for fun debate and great discussion. There are still so many things I want to talk with you about.
I'm not sure I will ever stop missing you.
All my love,
Stacy
M.L.K. Day (Jon - 1/19/09)
Rory,
Well its M.L.K. Day and I can't help but think of the time you were asked to give the "I Have A Dream" speech for some elementary school kids and you knocked it out of the park.
That's all,
Jon
Jon
Hello, old blog... (Stephanie - 12/26/08)
I wanted to post for a while about our friend Rory. But what do I say? I still think of him constantly. Ordinary things hold so many memories of him. Even driving on I-94, something I do EVERY single day, reminds me of Rory. (???) How do I put that into words??
Recently, writer David Foster Wallace committed suicide, and that has made me hurt for him all over again. These two must be kindred spirits. I wonder if Rory read any of his books. (Have you ever seen the bible-sized "Infinite Jest", complete with 100s of pages of footnotes?!)
What do you think?
Untitled (Jon - 12/18/09)
I was just thinking the other day about how after my family, the person I've lived with the most was Rory. Between the U of M dorms and 2004 Como, Rory and I lived together for 8 years. 8 out of the 30 years of my existence I spent with Rory. So I've seen both the good and the bad...and while I'll never fully understand the bad, the good times are something that I'll always cherish.
Rory and I would spend many a night up until 4 in the morning playing Nintendo 64, drinking Mountain Dew and eating pizza. I can't count how many Madden games we played over the years. We'd spend many nights cruising around in the convertible. I'd be driving and I'd make Rory yell things at unsuspecting pedestrians...most of which involved the fake dogs we had in the back seat. Or we'd stay up late playing Stratomatic baseball or quizzing each other on random sports facts. I loved these moments...but what I loved even more were the times we'd spend having "Rory talks." I'm sure many of you have had a "Rory talk." Rory talks with me were serious in nature and usually revolved around girls. We would sit up all night and talk about if I should ask so and so out or what Rory thought of so and so. And he'd come back with the same questions for me. He was a person I always felt I could seriously open up to and I valued everything he said. These Rory talks are what I will always look back at fondly and take such pride in the fact that I got to be a part of so many.
You know, I always thought in the back of my mind that this day would inevitably come and it doesn't make this any easier.
To quote the great Jim Morrison,
This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free.
Rest in Peace.
32 (Stacy - 12/15/08)
Hello Friend,
I wish we were eating cake together today.
Happy 32nd Birthday!
Always,
Stacy
I wish we were eating cake together today.
Happy 32nd Birthday!
Always,
Stacy
If I had told you... (Stacy - 9/23/08)
9/15/08
Hello Friend-
Hello Friend-
I've started replaying our last conversation over in my head and over and over and over again. It's the lyrics to a really bad song stuck in your head that you can't seem to get rid of. The nightmares of your last few minutes have returned along with the fear of the dark and the tears that never seem to go away. 2 weeks ago I opened my window before bed, shut my light off and listened to the trains run. Starting at 11:00pm the horn starts blaring as the first one passes. I fall asleep to them every night running behind each other only a half hour apart. By 11:10pm I'm crying into my pillow. I watch the clock hoping this feeling passes so that I can sleep. 11:35pm, 11:42pm, 11:51pm, 11:54pm, 11:55pm and so on until I finally fall asleep. Your decision, your plan, your countdown journal and your follow through still hurt. But it is your absence that cuts me in half.
Even after almost 9 months you are the first thought to cross my mind in the morning and the last thought to cross my mind before I fall asleep...everyday. So today I made my first appointment to see a psychologist. Three separate people have suggested it might be a good idea for me to talk to someone. I only want to talk to you. I am so heartbroken without you here. You really do suck.
Before I start talking to someone else about this I have some things that I need to tell you. For starters, you were not the only one keeping a secret during our last conversation. I was keeping something from you as well. Something that I wasn't ready to tell you because I was worried about how you would react. I didn't want you to be disappointed in or frustrated with the circumstances. I knew that there would be questions and at the time I didn't have the answers. Is this how you felt about your secret?
You could have told me just like I could have/should have told you. We were close enough to deal with these things. I could have helped. I wanted to help. You should have been honest with me when I asked if you were taking your medication. That was important information that needed to be shared. What I needed/need is for you to be here. You have never left my side until now and I can't help feeling like you've abandoned me to deal with all of this on my own. When you were crafting this big plan of yours how long did you think it was going to take all of us to get through this? You said that our pain would subside. When exactly did you think that would be? It’s been almost 9 months Rory. Would you care to reassess?
The day of your funeral I was almost 4 months pregnant. This is what I had been keeping from you during that last talk. I found out your secret December 19th when Jon called and said the words I've dreaded hearing for years. I am so sorry that I didn't tell you the night that you called. Are you sorry that you didn't tell me your secret that night? I knew that I was going to need your help, your support, your friendship and your encouragement. Did you know that you needed these things from me? Why after all we have been through together did we choose to avoid each other instead of turning to one another? If I had told you that night would you have stayed? These and so many other questions run through my mind daily. You and I really do suck.
I had a baby girl and I named her Alison Mae after my grandma. She was 6lb 4oz and 18 1/2 in long. She was such a little peanut. Rory, she is so beautiful. Remember how I used to tell you how beautiful Abby was before you met her? You would tell me that everybody thinks his or her baby is beautiful and then you met her and thought she was gorgeous. Same deal except Alison is mine and I can hardly believe it.
You should know that because of you I have very specific feelings about what kind of mother I want and intend to be. You should know that hardly a day goes by without me telling her about you. While she may never see your face or enjoy a playground with you or feel one of your easy hugs she will grow up knowing all about you. She will learn who you were to me and so many others, what kind of person you were, how we met, your likes and dislikes, funny stories, special memories, and above all she will know how much her mommy loves you.
I do love you Rory and I am so thankful for the time that we were given and the memories that we made. Your life was not a waste. It was a gift to all of us who grieve for you now. I miss you so very much.
Even after almost 9 months you are the first thought to cross my mind in the morning and the last thought to cross my mind before I fall asleep...everyday. So today I made my first appointment to see a psychologist. Three separate people have suggested it might be a good idea for me to talk to someone. I only want to talk to you. I am so heartbroken without you here. You really do suck.
Before I start talking to someone else about this I have some things that I need to tell you. For starters, you were not the only one keeping a secret during our last conversation. I was keeping something from you as well. Something that I wasn't ready to tell you because I was worried about how you would react. I didn't want you to be disappointed in or frustrated with the circumstances. I knew that there would be questions and at the time I didn't have the answers. Is this how you felt about your secret?
You could have told me just like I could have/should have told you. We were close enough to deal with these things. I could have helped. I wanted to help. You should have been honest with me when I asked if you were taking your medication. That was important information that needed to be shared. What I needed/need is for you to be here. You have never left my side until now and I can't help feeling like you've abandoned me to deal with all of this on my own. When you were crafting this big plan of yours how long did you think it was going to take all of us to get through this? You said that our pain would subside. When exactly did you think that would be? It’s been almost 9 months Rory. Would you care to reassess?
The day of your funeral I was almost 4 months pregnant. This is what I had been keeping from you during that last talk. I found out your secret December 19th when Jon called and said the words I've dreaded hearing for years. I am so sorry that I didn't tell you the night that you called. Are you sorry that you didn't tell me your secret that night? I knew that I was going to need your help, your support, your friendship and your encouragement. Did you know that you needed these things from me? Why after all we have been through together did we choose to avoid each other instead of turning to one another? If I had told you that night would you have stayed? These and so many other questions run through my mind daily. You and I really do suck.
I had a baby girl and I named her Alison Mae after my grandma. She was 6lb 4oz and 18 1/2 in long. She was such a little peanut. Rory, she is so beautiful. Remember how I used to tell you how beautiful Abby was before you met her? You would tell me that everybody thinks his or her baby is beautiful and then you met her and thought she was gorgeous. Same deal except Alison is mine and I can hardly believe it.
You should know that because of you I have very specific feelings about what kind of mother I want and intend to be. You should know that hardly a day goes by without me telling her about you. While she may never see your face or enjoy a playground with you or feel one of your easy hugs she will grow up knowing all about you. She will learn who you were to me and so many others, what kind of person you were, how we met, your likes and dislikes, funny stories, special memories, and above all she will know how much her mommy loves you.
I do love you Rory and I am so thankful for the time that we were given and the memories that we made. Your life was not a waste. It was a gift to all of us who grieve for you now. I miss you so very much.
I will carry you with me always.
Remember? (Jon - 9/6/08)
Hey Rory,
Remember when you came over to my house for the first time and we played Lakers vs. Celtics on my computer?
Remember that funny dance you would do every time you scored in 9th grade hoops?
Remember when you were on my 9th grade baseball team?
Remember at that dance in high school where we decided to run around the outside of the group while YMCA played instead of doing the dreadful dance?
Remember eating Oreos and drinking Coke and playing soccer and hockey on your computer?
Remember Udo Jurgenns?
Remember Nickolai Borshevsky?
Remember the one and only time we played chess and I beat you and you couldn't believe it?
Remember the mongo bat?
Remember the pillow game?
Remember Allistaire Cook's America and his huge frying pan?
Remember the time you flooded Paul and Karen's house?
Remember the time we went to the Boundry Waters and you ran around naked?
Remember the Marshmallow Matey's song?
Remember going to Stephens Cahill market for donuts and then playing basketball after not sleeping the night before?
Remember when we bought Vitalogy and tried for hours to figure out the lyrics?
Remember when we went to the first Edge Fest?
Remember that one time I came over and you introduced me to Weezer?
Remember that one time I bought Jewel's first cd and you thought I was stupid but then you listened to it?
Remember that one time we were playing football and you tried to jump over me and i grabbed your foot and you landed on your ass?
Remember that other time we were playing football and Shane and I tried to use a car on the field?
Remember that other time we were playing football and the side of the dorm building was inbounds?
Remember that one time Shane cracked a cassette tape case with his nose because of a gummy worm?
Remember Earl Weaver baseball?
Remember when I introduced you and Shane to Stratomatic baseball? I think you had the Dodgers.
Remember that damn running 3-pointer you used to shoot?
Remember when we set up Dan and Norma's stuffed animals in sexually suggestive positions?
Remember how we got to go on the roof of our dorm room because no one ever fixed our window?
Remember that crazy football combat game we used to play in the dorm room?
Remember that time our neighbors thought we had dogs in the dorm?
Remember Hankenstein, the Quad Skanks, Tom the Nose Guy, etc?
Remember how years later, the Quad Skanks came to be some of our best friends?
Remember Squinty and Tubbs?
Remember that concussion at Tristan and Sillanpoa's?
Remember the time we played football with Tristan's mom's friend and he tried to convince us that he was in Jaws?
Remember how crappy we felt in Fargo after Gary Anderson missed that field goal?
Remember that Weezer concert where we were squished up against the stage at First Avenue?
Remember when we changed Punch-Out to Racist Punch-Out on Bob's computer?
Remember when we used to jam (badly) on the drums and guitar?
Remember that rap-off you had with the guy who just walked into our house?
Remember when the Board Lord woke up in your room?
Remember when you found the dude sleeping on our freezer?
Remember when we walked across the bottom of the bridge?
Remember how we drove all the way to the Lakeville Cracker Barrel because you forgot there was one in Eagan?
Remember that time Bob made us dress up and we ended up going to Burger King?
Remember that nice Asian man who wanted nothing to do with the dogs in the back of my car?
Remember how I always managed to sneak a box of tapioca pudding into your cart when we'd go grocery shopping?
Remember the spring break trip to Atlantic City?
Remember the spring break trip to Colorado?
Remember that weird lady that walked by our house and you convinced her we put cereal out on the sidewalk for squirrels?
Remember when that short old guy walked by our house, and you got on my car, took your shirt off and took the guy's picture?
Remember the pizza I bought you because you did this?
Remember that Thanksgiving where you, Bob and I got really drunk?
Remember how I used to hate playing volleyball with you because you'd always illegally hit the ball?
Remember all the ass-whoopings you used to hand out playing Madden?
Remember when you and Tristan went to the front desk to rent a movie even though his dorm building was on fire?
Remember that time we were riding in Rachel's car and singing Stone Temple Pilots at the top of our lungs?
Remember how many games of Mario Kart 64 we played? A shit-load is the correct answer.
Remember the Squirrel Nut Zippers? Everytime I hear them, I think of Mario Kart.
Remember how we'd always rip on Shane because he'd want to show us this awesome replay from whatever hockey game he was playing and we'd watch and then we'd both say, "awesome, another one-timer"?
Remember when you met Moby?
Remember when you had the job washing windows and they gave you a cell phone and we ripped the hell out of you?
Remember when we bought four cereal dispensers?
Remember how we used to hide the picture of Wes' ass in each other's room?
Remember how you knew Tenacious D, Built to Spill, Modest Mouse, The White Stripes, etc. before anyone else?
Remember how you had Josh Fenderman's dance down pat?
Remember Tall Stacks?
Remember zebras in Vegas?
Remember when you spoke at my wedding?
Remember when you wrapped yourself around the basketball pole at Salem?
Remember when Shane and I tried to guess what your conversation with the girls in the other car was? I think it went something like blah blah blah, white stripes, blah blah blah, movies, blah blah blah, other music.
Remember that crazy dance you and Bob used to do to Ruki Verh?
Remember the time you got turned away from Silk for having tear-away pants on?
Remember that time we watched Lucas sing Living on a Prayer drunkingly and with a cigar in his mouth?
Remember when you used to receive mail for Rory VanLandingham III?
Remember when we used to walk to the computer lab to email Brian and Stacy?
Remember when we convinced Brian about our awesome new friend name Brody?
Remember when we used to try throw stuff into your beverage when you were talking to Liz?
Remember when Shane and I put "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" on repeat and then left while you and Liz were trying to have a serious conversation?
Remember when we used to pelt Super with tennis balls on Quarter Taps night?
Remember that time Super had to pee on the side of the highway on our way to Milwaukee?
Remember how you never saw a movie you didn't like except for The Frighteners and Lost Highway?
Remember how everyone in our house had to have their picture taken with Nugget?
Remember how we didn't always remember the names of the people who had their picture taken so we'd give them really mean names based on their picture?
Remember when you came over to my house for the first time and we played Lakers vs. Celtics on my computer?
Remember that funny dance you would do every time you scored in 9th grade hoops?
Remember when you were on my 9th grade baseball team?
Remember at that dance in high school where we decided to run around the outside of the group while YMCA played instead of doing the dreadful dance?
Remember eating Oreos and drinking Coke and playing soccer and hockey on your computer?
Remember Udo Jurgenns?
Remember Nickolai Borshevsky?
Remember the one and only time we played chess and I beat you and you couldn't believe it?
Remember the mongo bat?
Remember the pillow game?
Remember Allistaire Cook's America and his huge frying pan?
Remember the time you flooded Paul and Karen's house?
Remember the time we went to the Boundry Waters and you ran around naked?
Remember the Marshmallow Matey's song?
Remember going to Stephens Cahill market for donuts and then playing basketball after not sleeping the night before?
Remember when we bought Vitalogy and tried for hours to figure out the lyrics?
Remember when we went to the first Edge Fest?
Remember that one time I came over and you introduced me to Weezer?
Remember that one time I bought Jewel's first cd and you thought I was stupid but then you listened to it?
Remember that one time we were playing football and you tried to jump over me and i grabbed your foot and you landed on your ass?
Remember that other time we were playing football and Shane and I tried to use a car on the field?
Remember that other time we were playing football and the side of the dorm building was inbounds?
Remember that one time Shane cracked a cassette tape case with his nose because of a gummy worm?
Remember Earl Weaver baseball?
Remember when I introduced you and Shane to Stratomatic baseball? I think you had the Dodgers.
Remember that damn running 3-pointer you used to shoot?
Remember when we set up Dan and Norma's stuffed animals in sexually suggestive positions?
Remember how we got to go on the roof of our dorm room because no one ever fixed our window?
Remember that crazy football combat game we used to play in the dorm room?
Remember that time our neighbors thought we had dogs in the dorm?
Remember Hankenstein, the Quad Skanks, Tom the Nose Guy, etc?
Remember how years later, the Quad Skanks came to be some of our best friends?
Remember Squinty and Tubbs?
Remember that concussion at Tristan and Sillanpoa's?
Remember the time we played football with Tristan's mom's friend and he tried to convince us that he was in Jaws?
Remember how crappy we felt in Fargo after Gary Anderson missed that field goal?
Remember that Weezer concert where we were squished up against the stage at First Avenue?
Remember when we changed Punch-Out to Racist Punch-Out on Bob's computer?
Remember when we used to jam (badly) on the drums and guitar?
Remember that rap-off you had with the guy who just walked into our house?
Remember when the Board Lord woke up in your room?
Remember when you found the dude sleeping on our freezer?
Remember when we walked across the bottom of the bridge?
Remember how we drove all the way to the Lakeville Cracker Barrel because you forgot there was one in Eagan?
Remember that time Bob made us dress up and we ended up going to Burger King?
Remember that nice Asian man who wanted nothing to do with the dogs in the back of my car?
Remember how I always managed to sneak a box of tapioca pudding into your cart when we'd go grocery shopping?
Remember the spring break trip to Atlantic City?
Remember the spring break trip to Colorado?
Remember that weird lady that walked by our house and you convinced her we put cereal out on the sidewalk for squirrels?
Remember when that short old guy walked by our house, and you got on my car, took your shirt off and took the guy's picture?
Remember the pizza I bought you because you did this?
Remember that Thanksgiving where you, Bob and I got really drunk?
Remember how I used to hate playing volleyball with you because you'd always illegally hit the ball?
Remember all the ass-whoopings you used to hand out playing Madden?
Remember when you and Tristan went to the front desk to rent a movie even though his dorm building was on fire?
Remember that time we were riding in Rachel's car and singing Stone Temple Pilots at the top of our lungs?
Remember how many games of Mario Kart 64 we played? A shit-load is the correct answer.
Remember the Squirrel Nut Zippers? Everytime I hear them, I think of Mario Kart.
Remember how we'd always rip on Shane because he'd want to show us this awesome replay from whatever hockey game he was playing and we'd watch and then we'd both say, "awesome, another one-timer"?
Remember when you met Moby?
Remember when you had the job washing windows and they gave you a cell phone and we ripped the hell out of you?
Remember when we bought four cereal dispensers?
Remember how we used to hide the picture of Wes' ass in each other's room?
Remember how you knew Tenacious D, Built to Spill, Modest Mouse, The White Stripes, etc. before anyone else?
Remember how you had Josh Fenderman's dance down pat?
Remember Tall Stacks?
Remember zebras in Vegas?
Remember when you spoke at my wedding?
Remember when you wrapped yourself around the basketball pole at Salem?
Remember when Shane and I tried to guess what your conversation with the girls in the other car was? I think it went something like blah blah blah, white stripes, blah blah blah, movies, blah blah blah, other music.
Remember that crazy dance you and Bob used to do to Ruki Verh?
Remember the time you got turned away from Silk for having tear-away pants on?
Remember that time we watched Lucas sing Living on a Prayer drunkingly and with a cigar in his mouth?
Remember when you used to receive mail for Rory VanLandingham III?
Remember when we used to walk to the computer lab to email Brian and Stacy?
Remember when we convinced Brian about our awesome new friend name Brody?
Remember when we used to try throw stuff into your beverage when you were talking to Liz?
Remember when Shane and I put "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" on repeat and then left while you and Liz were trying to have a serious conversation?
Remember when we used to pelt Super with tennis balls on Quarter Taps night?
Remember that time Super had to pee on the side of the highway on our way to Milwaukee?
Remember how you never saw a movie you didn't like except for The Frighteners and Lost Highway?
Remember how everyone in our house had to have their picture taken with Nugget?
Remember how we didn't always remember the names of the people who had their picture taken so we'd give them really mean names based on their picture?
Jon
I miss you (Stacy - 8/25/08)
Rory,
Tonight I just want to hear your voice. I'm so sad without you.
All my love,
Stacy
The plant that shall remain nameless (Molly - 6/3/08)
I've been spending my free time today re-reading posts about Rory. The funny ones, the sad ones, the angry ones and the ones with mixed feelings. I've re-read them all.
(I know, I know B & G, you're thinking "You know better Molly! You shouldn't be reading this at work...or at all!" I know, and once again - you're right.)
I'm not sure what draws me to them again and again, but I find myself re-reading these more than I care to. A few months ago, I was reading one during a new hire class that I was training, and out of nowhere I just lost it. Evidently, uncontrollable sobbing is not the way to go about making a good first impression.
So my question is, if I know that the outcome of me reading these posts is going to be tears and snot, why do I continue to do so? Am I making sure its real? Am I making sure that I don't forget about him? Or am I just being an over-dramatic sad sack?
Your thoughts?
**Sidenote: When he comes up in conversation, we (B, G & myself) refer to him as "the guy who shall remain nameless." Which is why I named the blog what I did. Stay tuned for a blog from Brian to explain this in depth.
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