9/15/08
Hello Friend-
Hello Friend-
I've started replaying our last conversation over in my head and over and over and over again. It's the lyrics to a really bad song stuck in your head that you can't seem to get rid of. The nightmares of your last few minutes have returned along with the fear of the dark and the tears that never seem to go away. 2 weeks ago I opened my window before bed, shut my light off and listened to the trains run. Starting at 11:00pm the horn starts blaring as the first one passes. I fall asleep to them every night running behind each other only a half hour apart. By 11:10pm I'm crying into my pillow. I watch the clock hoping this feeling passes so that I can sleep. 11:35pm, 11:42pm, 11:51pm, 11:54pm, 11:55pm and so on until I finally fall asleep. Your decision, your plan, your countdown journal and your follow through still hurt. But it is your absence that cuts me in half.
Even after almost 9 months you are the first thought to cross my mind in the morning and the last thought to cross my mind before I fall asleep...everyday. So today I made my first appointment to see a psychologist. Three separate people have suggested it might be a good idea for me to talk to someone. I only want to talk to you. I am so heartbroken without you here. You really do suck.
Before I start talking to someone else about this I have some things that I need to tell you. For starters, you were not the only one keeping a secret during our last conversation. I was keeping something from you as well. Something that I wasn't ready to tell you because I was worried about how you would react. I didn't want you to be disappointed in or frustrated with the circumstances. I knew that there would be questions and at the time I didn't have the answers. Is this how you felt about your secret?
You could have told me just like I could have/should have told you. We were close enough to deal with these things. I could have helped. I wanted to help. You should have been honest with me when I asked if you were taking your medication. That was important information that needed to be shared. What I needed/need is for you to be here. You have never left my side until now and I can't help feeling like you've abandoned me to deal with all of this on my own. When you were crafting this big plan of yours how long did you think it was going to take all of us to get through this? You said that our pain would subside. When exactly did you think that would be? It’s been almost 9 months Rory. Would you care to reassess?
The day of your funeral I was almost 4 months pregnant. This is what I had been keeping from you during that last talk. I found out your secret December 19th when Jon called and said the words I've dreaded hearing for years. I am so sorry that I didn't tell you the night that you called. Are you sorry that you didn't tell me your secret that night? I knew that I was going to need your help, your support, your friendship and your encouragement. Did you know that you needed these things from me? Why after all we have been through together did we choose to avoid each other instead of turning to one another? If I had told you that night would you have stayed? These and so many other questions run through my mind daily. You and I really do suck.
I had a baby girl and I named her Alison Mae after my grandma. She was 6lb 4oz and 18 1/2 in long. She was such a little peanut. Rory, she is so beautiful. Remember how I used to tell you how beautiful Abby was before you met her? You would tell me that everybody thinks his or her baby is beautiful and then you met her and thought she was gorgeous. Same deal except Alison is mine and I can hardly believe it.
You should know that because of you I have very specific feelings about what kind of mother I want and intend to be. You should know that hardly a day goes by without me telling her about you. While she may never see your face or enjoy a playground with you or feel one of your easy hugs she will grow up knowing all about you. She will learn who you were to me and so many others, what kind of person you were, how we met, your likes and dislikes, funny stories, special memories, and above all she will know how much her mommy loves you.
I do love you Rory and I am so thankful for the time that we were given and the memories that we made. Your life was not a waste. It was a gift to all of us who grieve for you now. I miss you so very much.
Even after almost 9 months you are the first thought to cross my mind in the morning and the last thought to cross my mind before I fall asleep...everyday. So today I made my first appointment to see a psychologist. Three separate people have suggested it might be a good idea for me to talk to someone. I only want to talk to you. I am so heartbroken without you here. You really do suck.
Before I start talking to someone else about this I have some things that I need to tell you. For starters, you were not the only one keeping a secret during our last conversation. I was keeping something from you as well. Something that I wasn't ready to tell you because I was worried about how you would react. I didn't want you to be disappointed in or frustrated with the circumstances. I knew that there would be questions and at the time I didn't have the answers. Is this how you felt about your secret?
You could have told me just like I could have/should have told you. We were close enough to deal with these things. I could have helped. I wanted to help. You should have been honest with me when I asked if you were taking your medication. That was important information that needed to be shared. What I needed/need is for you to be here. You have never left my side until now and I can't help feeling like you've abandoned me to deal with all of this on my own. When you were crafting this big plan of yours how long did you think it was going to take all of us to get through this? You said that our pain would subside. When exactly did you think that would be? It’s been almost 9 months Rory. Would you care to reassess?
The day of your funeral I was almost 4 months pregnant. This is what I had been keeping from you during that last talk. I found out your secret December 19th when Jon called and said the words I've dreaded hearing for years. I am so sorry that I didn't tell you the night that you called. Are you sorry that you didn't tell me your secret that night? I knew that I was going to need your help, your support, your friendship and your encouragement. Did you know that you needed these things from me? Why after all we have been through together did we choose to avoid each other instead of turning to one another? If I had told you that night would you have stayed? These and so many other questions run through my mind daily. You and I really do suck.
I had a baby girl and I named her Alison Mae after my grandma. She was 6lb 4oz and 18 1/2 in long. She was such a little peanut. Rory, she is so beautiful. Remember how I used to tell you how beautiful Abby was before you met her? You would tell me that everybody thinks his or her baby is beautiful and then you met her and thought she was gorgeous. Same deal except Alison is mine and I can hardly believe it.
You should know that because of you I have very specific feelings about what kind of mother I want and intend to be. You should know that hardly a day goes by without me telling her about you. While she may never see your face or enjoy a playground with you or feel one of your easy hugs she will grow up knowing all about you. She will learn who you were to me and so many others, what kind of person you were, how we met, your likes and dislikes, funny stories, special memories, and above all she will know how much her mommy loves you.
I do love you Rory and I am so thankful for the time that we were given and the memories that we made. Your life was not a waste. It was a gift to all of us who grieve for you now. I miss you so very much.
I will carry you with me always.
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