Tragically on 12/19/07, I lost my best friend.
Now don't get me wrong, I've been truly blessed with a handful of friends that I call my "best friends." They are all the kind of people that if you meet just one in your lifetime, you're fortunate.
That being said, for the last eighteen years it was Rory that I have always referred to as my best friend if anyone asked.
Others have let me know that he said the same thing about me.
In middle school and high school we logged hundreds and hundreds of hours together. We spent so much time at my place that he essentially became part of my immediate family.
One of our favorite hangouts was my parent's backyard doing any of a countless number of different things. We did everything from playing one-on-one baseball with my brother to just laying in the darkness watching bats zoom over us at night. In college, we always made time to see one another. The first couple of years I came home a lot and the last couple Rory often visited me in Fargo. He even stayed at my place up there for about six weeks in 1999. We also lived together for nearly three years at 2004 Como from 2000-2003. Rory, Jon, Bob and I had some great times (I'll talk more about that in subsequence posts).
Even though he was not a standard best friend at times (i.e. he was not the most dependable cat, etc.) because of his illness, he did so many other things for me that no one else could. I'm the person I am today because of boatloads of incredible people in my life, but there have been six individuals who have had the most significant influence on me: my parents, my brother, Gina, Rory and Mess.
My parents, brother and Gina are all fairly obvious.
Rory and Mess are on the list because they are the two people who have constantly challenged me to become a better person. Answers like "because" and "that's just how I feel" have never been enough for them and I am grateful for that. They constantly forced me to think deeper about the opinions I formed. When answering a "why" question from them, I had to make sure that I truly thought through my reasoning before venturing to answer.
Until a few years ago, Rory's way of talking about these things with me was fairly abrasive. I think he particularly enjoyed doing it that way because he knew how it affected me. For a while there, we didn't get upset with one another...but we didn't always end discussions on a high note either. Over time, we found a common ground and I really warmed up to his approach. These days, I can generally defend my beliefs (however big or small) with conviction and fact. I can thank Rory for a lot of that.
I'm fairly certain that I have taken part in more "Rory talks" then anyone else on the planet. If you've had a Rory talk, you know just how special they were. The term itself describes a specific type of conversation he had with others (generally of the female persuasion) but also loosely referred to any talk with him over something significant. Rory was not quick at many things (other then running) and these talks were no exception. Unless the talk took at least a couple of hours it likely would not be classified as one.
Rory was the most intelligent person I knew. Paul, Karen, Gina and I think that it may have attributed to part of the problems he had dealing with being bi-polar. His understanding of how his brain worked and how the disease affected him were truly remarkable.
Since being diagnosed (freshmen year in college I think), there were quite a few times with him that were volatile in nature. Let's face it, the fact that he took his life was not overly shocking if you knew him. But, that by no means makes it any easier to cope with the enormity of the loss we've suffered.
Just out of college I know I'd tell others, on occasion, that I was afraid he wouldn't be at my wedding (at that time, not knowing when my wedding day would be).
But, there were definitely extended periods of time that I thought he was going to be able to make a life for himself...particularly in 2005 and 2006 when he really got his act together. In fact, he shared with us (and others) examples of how well he was doing at the beginning of 2006. I've included a link to the document. He entitled the email we received it in "like you needed another reason."
From February to October each year, I saw Rory on at least a weekly basis because of strato.
Over the last couple of months, Gina and I did not see Rory as much as we normally did. He was doing alright (or so it seemed), but life was just busy for all of us. Strangely, this was usually a good sign with him. We had a scare a couple of months back but it appeared as if he had gotten things together again.
We did get to spend significant time with him twice, however, during the last ten days of his life.
On December 9th, we had him over for dinner. It was just like any other night we had him over. We joked a lot, talked about music and friends and just enjoyed each other's company. We even got in a game of Jables, which the three of us hadn't played together in years. As usual, I asked him how he was doing and we talked about his health for a while. Nothing significant came out of the talk other then Gina and I feeling (incorrectly of course) that he was moving in the right direction.
Around his birthday was always the scariest time of the year with him. Winter in general is tough for depression. The first day of winter is the shortest day of the year for light and with his birthday being so close to that it just compounded the issue.
On December 15th (his 31st birthday), Gina and I hosted the annual Spambandits Christmas party. The night was so much fun. Rory showed up last (nothing new). I gave him a hug shortly after he got there and over the course of the night we had numerous conversations about everything from The Wire to Dan Wilson's new CD to exercises for shin splints. Rory even gave a touching speech at the event. While one part of the speech stood out to many of us after the fact, the truth is that Rory drawing attention to himself and saying what he did was not all that strange. Try as we may, there was nothing really there to pickup on.
After most of the crowd took off, some of group stuck around (including Rory) and we played Wits & Wagers for a couple of hours. Like it always was, Rory and I were the last two left...talking about whatever was on our minds. On this particular night, we talked primarily about the Twins and about Torii Hunter leaving. When we were done and it was time to leave he paused at the front door and looked at me for a longer period of time then normal. It wasn't so long that I thought something was wrong but it was long enough for me to remember. Looking back, I have to believe that he was saying goodbye. While extremely uncommon, I did not give him a hug when he left. I obviously regret that.
The 19th was probably the worst day of my life. The news I had feared for so many years finally came. After trying to absorb the enormity of what Paul had just told me (at 3:30 pm) while I was stuck on the bus, I stopped at Gina's school an hour later to let her know about the news. From the bus to her room I couldn't keep it together. When I finally made it to her, I barely got any words out. I just said "he's gone" and broke down again. After we talked for a bit we started making the calls to everyone. Needless to say, they were the hardest phone calls I've ever made.
That night we had everyone from the group over to our house. It was probably the best thing we could have done with/for the group. It included crying, laughing, intense silent moments that came out of nowhere and everything in between.
Lots of questions about why and how were directed at me, partially because Paul called me and partially because I have always kind of been the unofficial ambassador for Rory. At times, people would ask me how Rory was doing instead of asking him. Everyone was also discussing if there were any signs that the group should have picked up on so that we could have prevented this.
Then the letters came. Going through difficult times with Rory before and talking in depth with him about previous plans he had made about his own death, I always knew there would be a letter(s) left behind if this dreaded day ever came. To whom they would be addressed, I had no idea.
Gina and I received one of the letters. It shed some light on why he made the decision he did but didn't necessarily fill in all of the blanks. I was thankful that he truly believed this was his best option, as it was easy to get that out of the letter. He had made the final decision a few weeks prior (and in some ways years ago). The last thing I ever wanted was for something like this to happen because he had one bad night. His thoroughness in no way justifies his act but it has helped me, in part, to accept the choice he made.
The next couple of days were very difficult but the Spambandits group spent so much time together. For me, it helped immensely.
The funeral went well too, all things considered. The turnout was incredible and five of us were able to talk about Rory during the service. Hearing everyone speak on his behalf really helped me get through the day. The five eulogies are below:
In the days since, Gina and I have been doing OK. We talk a lot about him which is helping us both. At this point, I can't go fifteen minutes without thinking of him. Usually, much less. In the future, I hope I think of him often. But, right now it's hard because thinking of him hurts.
I'm glad he was able to meet Natalie and Macie and the fact that his relationship with Gina was so important to him means a lot to me. Before he left us, he knew where I was in life and he knew he didn't have to worry about me.
It still feels like I am going to see him again. It hasn't fully hit me that he's gone. I've had a few hard days but, all and all, I've kept it together pretty well. Gina has too. But, we both know that the healing process is going to take a long, long time.
What all of this boils down to is that I miss my friend. I will always consider my time with him an incredible blessing in my life. We were able to share in so many great memories that I will forever cherish.
Fittingly at this point, I strongly feel that writing is going to be one of the most significant avenues for me to heal. Over time, I am going to continue to add stories about him that I don't want to forget (along with more specifics about how this event has affected me) at rememberingrory.blogspot.com. The title of this webpage (above) is a hyperlink to the website as well. My hope is that it will help me coupe with this loss and if anyone is interested, possibly give others even more perspective into just how special he was.
I also welcome anyone else who'd like to share stories here as well. Some of us have avenues to do it ourselves (in which case I will likely add links to the articles), but others do not. If you would like to talk about Rory in this forum, please send an email to me with what you'd like to say and I will publish it on the webpage. Over time, send as many entries as you'd like. All I ask is that you keep it PC, generally speaking. If this becomes more of a group page about Rory instead of just a place for me to individually write, I would really like that.
Let's face it, in one way or another Rory will always be a significant part of my life. I am going to make sure of it.
I know it will be the same for many of you too.
Personally, I have so much more to say...but I am going to try and write about him when it feels right. I think I am getting close to being ready to talk about more then just the general overview I've done in this entry, but I also don't want to force this either.
Boat Drinks,
Brian
Brian
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